I’m writing this post to express what's been on my mind. I hope it resonates and perhaps challenges how you think of relationships.
I feel a mix of emotions for the ruptured relationships in my life. To simplify matters, I will interchangeably refer to relationships and friendship as the same and in a non-romantic sense.
I’ve had relationships that I believed meant something significant to the two of us only to find out that I was mistaken. And they are to the extent we allow ourselves to learn and transform through them.
I know there can be genuine reasons why we ‘choose’ to end friendships. This post is mainly about the hurt from ruptures related to how we part with others.
Growing up as a Mexican American girl in a predominant non-latino community - it was easier for me to connect to the non-Caucasian children. Being introverted made it challenging for me to befriend other kids. I got used to being alone during recess as I was bullied through much of my elementary school years. I wanted to be liked, but, didn’t seem to fit in. It was easier to drift to the other outsiders. Often those other kids were the minority and wouldn’t return to school. Those early experiences helped me value friendship. Not being close to the little extended family in the country reinforced that friends could be like family.
Now, that I am an adult my desire in relationships continues to be for deep meaningful relationships. My interest has never been nor will it ever be to have superficial or short-term relationships. While I know everything is transient in the physical sense, I do believe relationships are eternal because we are infinite beings. As an infinite being, I find it challenging when relationships are short-lived. It is also challenging because I am idealistic.
The truth is that most of us “prefer” to have friends whom we can count on. We want to share moments of joy and sadness.
We all know it takes time to develop sincere friendships. So when those relationships change or rupture we are naturally hurt, disappointed and even heartbroken.
Heartbreak results because we come to count on 'them' being there....
However, relationships can be complicated and short-lived in a world of duality. Duality makes us prone to judge. Judgement causes rifts rather than unity. The degrees of separation are only illusory, but, they still seem to segregate our world. As human beings we are a family.
No family is perfect but we seem to forget our purpose for being. We are human beings created to love. Love is our foundation. So why is it that we so easily forget to part in a loving manner?
It’s makes me wonder if the foundation of my relationships was not solid or if as a society we’ve made it too easy to avoid expressing directly what is motivating our choice to rupture a relationship.
It seems that technology has made it so easy to ‘unfriend, avoid, or drop’ others.
Technology also allows us to connect and create bonds that extend beyond our immediate circle. As human beings we seek to connect and bond deeply. Friendships offer that opportunity.
Since we need love to thrive that means we need ‘others’ to love us and to love.
So when friendships don’t last- I feel sad, disappointed, bewildered and sometimes heartbroken. The toughest part sometimes is not knowing why someone has not continued the relationship. I don’t like feeling ‘dropped’ by friends.
Ruptures are hard for me to for various reasons. Being idealistic is probably what makes it hardest. I love humanity. I believe in our hearts that we have the best intentions to love one another.
I remain hopeful in spite of the disposable type of behavior that is displayed. I am also being more realistic about relationships these days.
I'm being more realistic about my perception of relationships. I hope my relationships are lasting but if not I remind myself of a simple truth. Some friends link me to new ideas, people, resources, experiences, opportunities and then they move on. Sometimes they give me a chance to experience myself in new ways. At times I get to do 'the relationship dance' with a little more ease and grace.
The good news about my realism is that I'm not making the matter of ruptures an issue of worthiness. Nothing should be taken personally unless we are invested in egoic matters. There is no separateness unless we choose it.
I believe some are very blessed to have friends going back to childhood. To me the idea of best friends for life can be a bit romanticized. It takes sincere effort and genuine regard for love to maintain friends.
Love has no unloving boundaries. Love is always a choice we can make.
The bad news about my realism? Well, I don’t think there is truly bad news. Realistically, I know I won’t stop being disheartened when someone I thought would be a friend for a long time isn’t. However, now I am making it a point to reframe the situation from one of bewildered loss to revolving love.
Ultimately, friends are a gift. I suppose to some degree we all have deal breakers whether we realize it or not. We always have a choice how we part with friends.
I remind myself that there have been times when I decided it was best for me to part ways than to remain friends. While it has been infrequent that I’ve decided to conclude a relationship, it has helped me to realize where I could be more forgiving, accepting and loving.
Our awareness of what we can and cannot forgive is important. Forgiveness is always a choice. And everything is forgivable. Forgiveness is a daily practice that starts with me and allows me to remain in my heart. So, while some might be unwilling to welcome back former friends, I remain open and flexible knowing that we evolve and no one is the ultimate friend.
It is only when we forget that we too are imperfect friends that we allow a degree of bitterness or unforgiveness to get the better loving part of us. And that is a lesson perhaps we must come to learn.
We are each unique in our personality and it is our differences that make our coexistence interesting. Across a range of cultural differences there is always the common thread of our humanity. We can choose to be friends or not....
How do you rupture relationships?
Do you have deal breakers when it comes to friendship?
Dedicated to all who have touched my heart and parted and those who stick around . I treasure you.