What is the truth of my fear of being judged by others?
It is my own insecurities and self-judgment that makes me think I will be judged about something.
My fears reveal the places where I am insecure, need growth or healing.
If you want a quick to the point way of getting over the fear of being judged see the video by Marie Forleo at the end of my blog post. This post highlights how judgments can strengthen us.
So here is my inquiry on the fear of being judged by others about "xyz." You can fill in the blank on your specific fear. The point is to be honest, intimate and self-revealing or vulnerable with yourself.
Truth: our fears arise from deep within us.
The fear of being judged is just a gateway....
Fear of being judged means I care what others think of me?
Why do I care what others think of me?
Well, I care what others think of me because I want to be liked. While I like who I am, I still have insecurities. I become nervous about being judged over those insecurities.
While I’m not fragile to what others say and think of me, once upon a time I was. I cared too much what others thought of me. It was a pretty painful existence that kept me from seeing myself as I really am!
Caring about others views of me was like looking at myself in the mirror deformed. In a way it was like breathing through mask. I came to depend on views outside of myself. That kind of existence is not superficial but it is artificial.
I’m still working on fully recovering from caring what others think of me.
It seems that at the heart of my fear is judgment.
The plain and simple definition:
Judgments are opinions, evaluations, or asserted propositions.
The more complex definition: opinions that are very pronounced or formed.
These judgments carry weight to the point that they seem to say something absolute about us. Judgments can be like sentencing someone in a court of law because they determine something about what we do, have done, and ultimately about who we are.
Like definitions, judgments say something about who we are or who we are not. In this way judgments can be damaging or destructive.
Well, what makes a judgment destructive?
Judgments are destructive if I allow them to disturb the core of me. If I beat myself up over a statement made about me, I run the risk of becoming stuck by critical evaluations.
Being hard on myself is beating myself up which is destructive.
Instead, I can allow judgments to help me evaluate myself. I can learn and grow from judgments.
Judgments can be instructive!
It is up to me how I perceive non-factual opinions. It is about digesting the wisdom versus allowing it to fester within.
Ultimately, it is about letting something expressed about me pass through me. Or I can allow a statement about me take over me.
Judgments are like street lights. I either let them stop me or I move along. So far, what has been empowering when I’ve heard a judgment, is to pause and acknowledge the judgment.
It is about what I do with those judgments that either empowers or weakens me.
Sometimes I let the person I perceive judging me -know that something didn’t feel good. When possible I also say something like “that sounded like a judgment.” I say it as an observation rather than a judgment or attack. Later, if their comment is still on my mind, I reflect on it. I can decide if perhaps the reason I am upset is that there is some truth to what was said.
What is not empowering is to take anything that sounds critical or judgmental to heart and make it an absolute fact or truth.
“ Welcome to Planet Earth where you will be judged, it is part of the process of being human!”
Others thoughts and opinions are perspectives rather than absolute truth. Judgments reveal hurts or where we need to mature.
To see through thought distortion’s is empowering. We are capable of having more compassion for the hurt parts in ourselves and others. We can all stretch our mind and hearts a little more when we hear judgments.
Judgments are great training for sincere empathy and unconditional regard.
Judgments are not to be feared. If I am rooted in who I am, then nothing can distort my reality. Afterall, judgments cannot change the truth.
I cannot expect myself to please everyone, nor is it reasonable to gain everyone’s approval.
It gets complicated trying to please others and or expecting other’s approval. Giving too much value to others opinions of myself is seeing a deformed version of myself.
What is possible, is to please and accept myself at this moment no what matter.
Perspective distorts, deforms, or enhances our worldview. So next time a judgment comes up I will remember that it is my choice to allow it to distort my view or to inform me.
The beauty is that I can evaluate myself based on other’s judgments and then chip away any flaws or enhance my strengths.
My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier. - Anthony Hopkins