Addicted to the image of you
Addicted to love?
Addicted as if you were god?
Addicted to this and that
Avoiding the discomfort...the anxiety
Resisted the sensations in my body
So addicted---I do not face----
Codependent on you my drug of choice
many drugs-- all different
but they all boil down to this:
It seems unsafe to look inside
look inside for that which is only -
only found inside
too scared that what is there
¨i am loveless¨
maybe i am the only one that is defective
When i get there i may not know how to -
how to love what is there
So i sought outside
out there was safer
Safer than inside
Inside i would have to feel
Inside i would have to confront myself
I imagined outside i would recognize -
recognize what is inside
you my addiction
Addiction that scratches and reminds me...
Scars from my own desperate scratching...
They showed me how i felt i deserved to be punished
Never fully admitting how i am terrified
Terrified... I do not belong...
If only i could just enjoy this guilty pleasure.
Having lost any sense of who i am
I allowed you - my obsession to take over
Gave you power-
believing you could love me more than I
could love myself!
If only my addiction to you could have truly nourished me
If only i had felt…
the sweetness of you?
If only i had let go and lost myself completely?
If only you were not my abyss!
Here i am admitting my addiction
i am willing to be emotionally honest
Am i willing to give in just once more?
Willing to risk…it all?
I am willing to admit my complicity in this-
heartbreaking affair to you my addiction
Addiction that i thought was the way…
way to joy
way to love
way to my soul
way to be spiritual?
Now, i am willing to peel away
Peel the layers of doubt and remaining guilt and shame
Peel away in spite of how messy it may be
I am willing to purge
Willing to flush out false notions of love
Willing to stop denying what i feel
Willing to stop denying who i am
Willing to voice what is true for me
You my addiction are not freedom!
No matter how pleasant you seem
No matter how much i miss you
No matter how much i experience withdrawal…
No matter…. i am willing to be me
Willing to really LOVE!
i believe it was love in some form
i forgive myself for loving you
Loving you more than i loved me
Now, i see the paradox...
i could not even make eye contact...
i wanted to blame you and everything...
Well, i blamed me beyond reason
Disconnected and alone
i continued to rendezvous with you
You my secret-
my secret longing for love
crossing boundaries into others like you
I was always caring for others more than for me
Believing i would be a burden just by being me
My longing for power turned outward
I sought a way to avoid the pain of even breathing
And pain i experienced trying to be loved by you
You my addiction brought more pain than love
Instead of love and truth i found you
Found a seductive obsession
A false love
A false sense of me
A false world
A loveless lie
I am ready to sit this song and yes admit
i am codependent
You controlled the dance
So i leave the dance floor
Yes there are others like you on other dance floors
Only i have the choice to return to dance when
the loving rhythms are shared mutually
I will follow only my heart that leads in truth
So long selfish god.
So long false god!
¨you¨ cannot deny me from heaven while on earth
for as i live in the moment... it can be heavenly!
Dedicated to all codependents who have much love...!