I like that I get to metaphorically and literally be a passenger in my life.
By California law I'm not suppose to drive since my seizure last September.
It is refreshing to be the passenger.
While I get to appreciate the scenery, for now this ride is unpredictable.
My mind dislikes not knowing what is next.
My heart is fine being in the passenger seat.
For my mind it means taking a back seat and that is not easy.
So far, I've been on an emotional ride. One day I feel strong and another I feel the total opposite.
This fall season I experienced losses.
I decided to opt out of a relationship to honor my heart. Then, right before Thanksgiving, I found out my application for the Peace Corps was not accepted. Initially, I was informed I was strictly being considered for Ecuador rather than Africa. I admit, I felt slight disappointment and sadness. I know I can re-apply, find alternate programs, all while being open to ceasing opportunities as they come my way wherever I may be.
To be supportive of myself, I remind myself to keep envisioning my heart's desire for travel with a greater purpose to unfold in divine timing and to just enjoy the ride.
What can be most painful is the perception of loss of love.
So I’ve been vulnerable and easily brought to tears,....
At times, I've gotten swept by the current of my emotions. Other times, I do not resist my resistance and I just feel.
It can be like a dance on water.
Like a dance, I'm willing to trust and allow myself to be lead.
As the passenger, I see myself wanting to put on the breaks when I am not the driver.
I’m learning to trust more on this ride.
At times, it seems like I am going in circles because of my aversion to pain.
My surface emotions are part of the aversion or resistance.
The core of the resistance is fear.
Fear of the underlying emotion.
I would not grieve if I didn’t love or care.
Does not all grief come from love?
I know I have to FEEL to heal from loss.
Burying feelings while still alive, would be like a slow death (I know this from experience).
So, sometimes I want to feel angry so I can use that e-motion to move forward sooner than later.
My mind wants to make every "effort" to hurry my heartbreak. My driver... is patient.
The resistance is protective.
However, resistance goes against the innate ability to heal.
While resistance is protective like a mother of her child, resistance is not compassionate.
I make a request to myself to love myself a little more by ALLOWING MYSELF TO TOUCH THE PAIN OF GRIEF.
Nothing outside of myself can heal me. Healing comes from within.
Healing comes from caring for myself.
Still, the aversion to pain is strong.
I tell myself, that the loss is part of the illusion.
Is it? Sure, but I am still human and have a heart.
Are we not having a human experience for a reason?
Again, I witness, how my mind really wants to protect, take over and be the driver. To ego giving up control--- is deadly, so it finds how to escape.
Witnessing is key to moving beyond the illusion.
Pain that needs healing from it's Source.
The Source of (my) Love.
Within my heart there is a powerful healing balm.
There is tender love within me.
I know my capacity to heal comes from my capacity to care for myself.
Each "loss" is an opportunity to love myself more deeply.
Loving myself more, has reinforced for me, how expansive our hearts are.
So how do I heal from loss?
By connecting to my pain long enough to allow compassion to emerge.
I just have to be willing to connect to the pain.
Out of love for myself I have been connecting to my pain each time it arises.
If I didn’t love as much as I do, then the perception of loss wouldn't cause me pain.
Pain is proof of the tenderness of this heart of mine.
As winter approaches, I go within a little deeper.
I pray to be a brave passenger....
Like the journey of the ugly duckling I am trusting that I shall emerge with ease and grace, after all the ugly duckling is the swan.
I am willing to be vulnerable, to use the senses of my heart to lead the way and realize the sacredness of my humanity.
Our unwillingness to experience the span of our hearts causes us to lose touch with our most precious humanity.
Is not our humanity based on our ability to care, love, have empathy and compassion, as well as to grieve when we face losses especially loss of love?
How expansive is your heart?
Do you know when and how you resist pain?