Being in one place or moving is a matter of timing. Being stuck versus flowing is based on mindset? What supports me in stillness and in progressing?
What I know is that without change there is no progress. Without progress there is stuckness.
I have been learning that stuckness is more than a mindset but an amalgam of patterns or defense mechanisms held in my body that served me once but no longer do.
Stuckness is not stillness. Stillness, is not doing nothing. Stillness is remaining grounded while there is chaos or unknowns.
Stuckness is sustained by energy held in the body from trauma. Trauma manifests through outdated defense mechanisms.
These are a few defense mechanisms that can and do keep us stuck or unable to make progress.
something difficult is avoided (to remain safe) so we do not gain confidence in overcoming it (our fear), the result we remain stuck.
thinking over and over in ways that are unhelpful like asking "why questions" that victimize us. Or engaging in self-talk that is self-critical like "I am worthless, I never get it right."
Self-criticism is disabling. It is self-bullying. The voice of self-criticism is an old familiar voice of harshness that was internalized long ago. Self- bullying is something familiar yet quite hurtful and detrimental.
The response to self-bullying is overwhelm due to threat. I may not always recognize that I am being self-critical until I feel overwhelmed.
Time doesn't seem on my side. I feel as though I am running in a marathon in place. It is exhausting and not much gets accomplished!
Overwhelm has become my indicator that I am being hard on myself. I feel tension in my shoulders and then a headache.
When I am overwhelmed everything can seem endless, complex and make it tough to start.
Overwhelm is paralyzing. Stuckness sets in. The bully wins.
Self-bullying is a familiar voice of harshness that rages against me. What I need is to stand up for myself with gentleness and great compassion.
In the grip of threat I want a reset button and cannot find it.
My mind says there is not time for centering myself. Yet, from experience I know that stillness can allow me to be clear and avoid overthinking my priorities.
And that is what has been alive in me for several days.
The gift in all of this is that I have greater awareness of the ways this old bully likes to push me around. I also understand and know that running around is accomplishing little.
A sigh of relief washes over me as I release imprints of trauma stored in my body. I breathe deep and exhale out loud and fully. Tears flow and cleanse me.
I notice what the bully wants from me. I have a choice to be pushed around and be heavy or to just be light.
I write down all I think I need to do and all I want to accomplish today and in coming weeks. Some days I cross off more from my to do list and others less. The key will be to be gentle and keep at it.
The bully loses each time I choose to act from a place of gentleness and at a pace that is steady rather than rushed and harsh.
Stillness, allows me to witness and notice what I might be avoiding that is actually not gentle but keeping in place or stuck.
The overwhelm response is understandable given how familiar the voice of harshness is. Thanks to overwhelm's voice, my body has offered me the message that I am ready for more kindness & gentleness. I can face my my inner-bully through the courage of my heart rather than from avoidance of threat.
Do you have an inner bully who pushes you to do what he/she wants at your own expense?
What is your body's response to the threat of this bully (tension/pain in your body)?
With more self-awareness what will or is your response to this self-defeating bully?