Faulty, corrupted boundaries...
Confusing gestures, tone of voice and touch.
I felt their anger, rage, sorrow and despair.
They spoke affectionate words.
It was all so contradicting it made me sick to my stomach.
So began a struggle within to know intentions and anticipate the uncontrollable....
This post is about unleashing the life-force or medicine within the poison of our unresolved fear or anger.
I was the 'difficult child,' and she would say "see you made your father leave." He left because he didn't want to unleash his fury.
Even playful moments turned to dread.
My body was tickled to the point of feeling suffocated. My laughter was contrived. I gasped for air barely able to say "stop," yet saying it over and over made no difference. I felt voiceless, unseen and powerless.
Paralyzed by their looks. Slammed by their tone of voice. Tears unacceptable. Protesting was forbidden. Anger and frustration from me was 'wrong.'
Trapped! No choice, without mercy.
Rain of sadness for the anorexia of compassion for their little girl.
My breathing contracted, curved my shoulders to hide, to guard my heart. The fortress around my heart led me to retreat in my head and eventually to lose touch with my body.
The tiger in me evoked...and caged.
I can understand why I wanted to die before I was 12.
I learned early on to trust my sixth sense in an environment that was not safe. I had to play safe and not be me.
Emotional abuse is invisible, but, still leaves deep scarring.
Anger is not the result of a stimulus outside of me.
It only seems like something outside of me has provoked the experience of anger.
If I had no thoughts about right/wrong, safe/unsafe, good/bad, etc;
would I experience anger?
Anger arises from my way of thinking.
Anger 'tells me' I have unmet needs.
Anger is a defense to perceived attack.
We only attack that which threatens us or scares us.
What scares us prompts us to run and hide.
Sometimes we come to fear anger in others and in ourselves.
Anger in all its forms becomes 'an enemy' or a monster' to be feared, fought and destroyed.
If I destroy anger, does it matter how I destroy 'it'?
What if anger destroys me?
Anger is not out there. Anger is within me.
Anger is an energy that lives within me.
Energy cannot be destroyed only transformed.
The repeated experience of anger is toxic to our body when we don't listen to it's underlying fear and needs. That unmet need deadens us as the energy stagnates. The result is a feeling of dis-ease.
Feeling the fear and addressing the needs- enlivens us.
I get to heal when the energy of anger or unresolved fear is alchemized.
Is the acronym that reminds me of the restorative potential of my anger or unresolved fears.
Unresolved fear is life-force turned against me.
ALIVE is how I feel when the poison of unresolved fear alchemizes.
A is for awareness and acknowledgment of my incessant self-talk.
L is for listening to my tiger who protects me.
I is for identifying the need of my tiger or self-critic.
V is for being vulnerable about my feelings and needs.
E is for empowering my tiger to emerge. Emergence is possible through self-empathy or compassion.
The 'A' of awareness is vital to the alchemy process.
Unless I am aware of the self-talk that often does not quiet, those voices will draw me in like a magnet. I will get caught up in my self-made stories, drama, and allow that to be my reality. Like a magnet, it becomes harder to pull away, unless I am mentally aware and fully present in my body. The key is to witness the stream of self-talk as if it were a foreign language and the images were parts of various films making no apparent sense. I acknowledge the self-talk as part of my human condition. I do not have to make myself wrong for having self-talk.
The "L" of listening means to listen to the tiger who protects us from ourselves. It cannot recognize that we are the attacker of ourselves. Our tiger has needs like any living being. There is no need to judge our tiger. Our tiger only does what is 'part' of it's nature, not it's whole nature. It is not ruthless or merciless because it has a need to live, eat, play...
The "I" of identifying is being clear about our tiger's needs. What is it protecting? What is it scared of and needing? The clearer I am, the greater the understanding I have of myself and the greater the possibilities I can see to meet those needs.
The "V" of vulnerability is acknowledging our humanness. It is being brave to feel. Only then can our tiger emerge and be as it is.
The "E" of emerging means being as we really are. Emerging as we really are happens through understanding our needs. Our needs empower us.
Understanding my needs gives my tiger a voice and being heard, it can be seen. My tiger is also a calm, kind and playful kitty.
Anger is an old protective force that can restore me like rain. The clouds form, blocking the power of the sun. A storm forms and comes to pass. The sun shines again.
How is your anger speaking through your body?
How are your unresolved fears playing out in your experiences?
Can you feel the sunshine amidst the clouds of anger and fear within you?
Can you see yourself as you really are behind the walls you built long ago?